Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
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Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer