Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
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A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.