Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
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Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Boating season is upon us.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……