I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
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I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist