When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
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listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
my favorite genre of twitter
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks