“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
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I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.