*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
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This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.