HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
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money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
smh
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???