everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
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writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.