I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
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Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
#NeverForget
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end