My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
You Might Also Like
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
me as a parent
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.