#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
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Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job