The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
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When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym