Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
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me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I have so many questions.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no