I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
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Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
It’s actually Dr. whatever