ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
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The photographer’s assistant
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]