I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
You Might Also Like
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Zack Greinke stories are the best
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
bad
worse
worst
worchester
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together