Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
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how high up are we talkin’?
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.