One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
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The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
this came to me in a vision
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.