What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
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god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”