Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
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I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
X-tra spooky blend
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.