*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
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[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
you will never know the true number of layers
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
there’s probably a fee though
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works