My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
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[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.