Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
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You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
my first dose meeting my second
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”