🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
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My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down