“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
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A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
SF is the wild wild west man
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.