I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
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Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I enjoy a good short stor
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
sistine chapel
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌