#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
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I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?