When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
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My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Comparing yourself to others
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.