Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
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“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!