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blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Isn’t
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
🤣🤣💀
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*