Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
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My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught