[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
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You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Close call…
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
If looks could kill
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.