I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
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We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
you have three unread messages
A leaf blower, but for people.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.