Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
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I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I’m a bad influence on myself.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I wanna be friends with this person
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Beauty and the Beast
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.