Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
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My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad