Cool shirt 🙂
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If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
(Musicians.)
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M