The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
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Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
How animals would run if they were human
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I’m calling the cops.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?