Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…