A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
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Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs