Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
You Might Also Like
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE