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Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins