Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
You Might Also Like
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.