How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
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*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No