“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
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The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
why would tinder want me to say this
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
much to think about
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?