When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
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A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.