*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
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Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Very good! 👍😂
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time