when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
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Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
damn he’s good
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Well, this explains it:
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool