sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
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Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?