My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
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I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok